I was chatting to a friend the other day about my workload. I wasn’t complaining, I swear, I was simply making an observation! But she said to me ‘you need to look at why you take on so much. And go write a blog about it.’ So, I did, and it gave me pause for thought. Did this need to take on so much come from being the eldest child with proud parents eager for me to achieve? Was it because I watched my Mum do the lion’s share of household chores, even when she was working? Or, as a teen, did the bold headlines in my Cosmo and Cleo magazines ‘YES! You CAN have it all!’ make a lasting impression?
There is a cost
As a teenager reading those magazine articles, I was excited by the idea of being an empowered career woman with a family. Fashion certainly took on gender equality, with ‘power suits’ designed to advance our status in the working world. Now mid-fifties and looking back at my own experience, I can say that yes, it’s true. You can have it all. However, there’s a but in there, and it’s that having it all comes at a cost. Somewhere, somehow, there is a real cost.
80’s power suits took on gender equality in the workplace
For example, despite significant advancements in gender equality, we women still take on a disproportionate share of responsibilities at home and work. Sure, we might get help with the chores, but hands up who has to ask for that help, because it’s not a given? Or, sure he’ll make dinner– but you still have to figure out what’s in the cupboard and on the menu. Did the idea of “having it all” mean we believed we had to take on a gargantuan workload as well?
The psychology of taking on more
The tendency for us to juggle multiple roles stems from both psychological and societal factors. Psychologically, we women are socialised from a very young age to be caretakers and nurturers. You don’t have to look far to see this in action, with the abundance of dollies and prams at toy stores, in the ‘girls’ aisle’. Research has shown that women are often more likely than men to experience feelings of empathy and compassion. Subsequently, this drives us to take on more responsibilities both at home and in our professional lives.
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology highlights that women are generally more likely to engage in communal behaviours and put the needs of others over our own. Sound familiar? We take on those additional tasks and responsibilities, and it’s often at the expense of our own well-being.
Women are to this day traditionally viewed as primary caregivers
Women as primary care givers
Societally, despite significant advances in gender equality, women are still traditionally viewed as primary caregivers. According to a 2022 survey by the Pew Research Centre, the majority of Americans still believe that mothers should be the primary caregivers of young children, even if both parents work. The pandemic increased that caregiving time for mothers while they were still trying to juggle everything else. It was the same the world over.
These societal expectations can create pressure for us to excel in both our professional and personal lives. In my thirties, I was a valued and well paid PA to directors of a global biotechnology company. I loved my job, and they loved me, but having to leave at 5 to beat the traffic so I could collect my children from day care before it closed at 6 was frowned upon, a lot. But it was the first time in any job I had where I pushed back, because no matter what, I had to get there, or taking out a personal loan to cover overtime fees was a real prospect.
Having it all is a double-edged sword
The notion that you can and should have it all is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it promotes the idea that you can pursue your ambitions without limitation. On the other hand, it sets a standard that can lead to burnout and dissatisfaction. In my case, it led to my young children living with their father for a year while I pursued a career in radio. I was successful, but the consequences to me and my family lasted years.
The pressure to have it all can take a significant toll on our mental health
Recent studies have shown that the pressure to have it all can take a significant toll on our mental health. A 2022 study by the University of Melbourne found that women are more likely than men to experience stress and burnout, largely due to the dual demands of work and family life. The study also revealed that our high achieving sisters who feel the need to excel in all areas of their lives are more prone to anxiety and depression. Several women I know fall into this category.
Work-life balance and the mental load
Achieving a work-life balance remains a significant challenge for many of us. The concept of the “mental load” refers to the often invisible and unrecognised planning and organising tasks you do on a daily basis. This includes remembering important dates, managing household chores, and coordinating family schedules (what’s for dinner again?).
A 2022 report by the International Labour Organisation found that we perform an average of 4 times more care work compared to men. This additional workload can make it difficult for us to find time for self-care and personal growth, which leads to more stress and exhaustion.
Our workload can lead to more stress and exhaustion
Breaking the cycle
It’s one thing to talk about the problem, and entirely another to do actually something about it. The strategies listed below can go a long way to both addressing why we take on so much. As well, they can help break the cycle that’s been modelled to us since infancy.
Redefining success
It’s essential that each of us redefine what success means to us. We need to set realistic goals and prioritise our own wellbeing, so that we don’t feel pressured to meet unrealistic standards. In hindsight, I would have seriously considered whether a move away from my support network to pursue a new career in radio was worth it.
Shared responsibilities
Shout it to the rooftops and teach your partner and/or children ladies! Equal sharing of household and caregiving responsibilities eases your load – it’s not rocket science! Get them to take an active role in managing the household, not just ‘helping you’ when you ask, sometimes repeatedly. Cooked a huge family dinner? Get the family to clean up, you’ve already done all the hard work!
Workplace support
How’s things at work, are you supported there? Your employers can play an important role by offering flexible work arrangements and paid parental leave. Are there policies in place to support a work-life balance or are they just paying lip service to it? If your workplace can’t address at least some of those arrangements, and you’re at your wits end, it’s time to negotiate or find somewhere else to work.
Mental health resources
Access to mental health resources, such as counselling and support groups, can give us the tools we need to manage stress and prevent burnout. If you feel like you need to tip a bit out of your bucket, call them. Make an appointment and see someone. Rather than a friend who will often commiserate and empathise (which is nice), your therapist can offer practical advice on how to manage your stress and burnout.
Making a change
Challenging traditional gender roles and societal expectations is vital if we want to see long-term change. This includes promoting positive representations of women in media and encouraging open conversations about the realities of our work-life balance.
Equal sharing of responsibilities eases the load
A note to single mothers
If you’re a single mother reading this thinking ‘yeah okay, I’ll just ask my invisible partner to help’, then you’re not alone. I was there too, for over ten years, and the fact is, as a single parent, you take on so much because you have to, especially when your children are little. But, little by little you can give them small chores to help around the house, and those chores will eventually become second nature to them – boys and girls alike.
We’ve come a long way…
I think it’s pretty safe to say that while the idea of having it all is appealing, it often leads to unrealistic expectations and significant stress. I’m sure many of you can relate. I believe the women who wrote those 80’s magazine articles came from a place of wanting to inspire and empower us. They just didn’t realise at the time, that can be a cost to attain it.
It is possible to achieve a balanced and more fulfilling life
But, by redefining success, sharing responsibilities, and promoting supportive workplace policies, we can achieve a more balanced and fulfilling life. We’ve come a long way, but we still have a way to go – and it starts with us.
Love You. Love Life.
