In my blog A Sudden Goodbye to Your Loved One, I wrote about the recent passing of my partner Colin’s sister Jill. As her only sibling, I discussed all the things he had to deal with – and is still dealing with – weeks later. What he had to manage is so huge, that my blog blew out into three parts. There was just so much to cover.

I want to share our experience with you, in the hope that it helps you think about having a conversation with your loved ones about their wishes once they’ve passed, as difficult as it may be. Also, I want to prompt you to think about what you want to leave for your loved ones after you pass.

Death is hard

Death is hard on so many levels. You’re torn to pieces emotionally, and, if it’s a family member who has passed, you may also have the added pressure of managing all of their affairs, as outlined in Parts II and III.

One of the most pressing jobs my partner Colin had to manage was organising Jill’s funeral. His mother is elderly, and with her husband and daughter gone, the task was up to him. As well as funeral logistics, a eulogy forms one of the most important parts of the service.

In the whirlwind of a loved one’s death, I thought it would be helpful to start with a guide to help you find the right words, if you find yourself having to write one.

 

A eulogy serves several purposes

There are several purposes to a eulogy:

1. Tribute: It celebrates the life and achievements of the deceased.
2. Comfort: It offers solace to the bereaved by highlighting positive memories.
3. Reflection: It provides a moment of reflection on the deceased’s impact on the lives of others.

Gathering your thoughts

There are three main areas you’ll want to focus on.

1. Reflect on their life: Think about the key moments in their life, their personality, and what made them unique. Consider their achievements, passions, and the relationships they cherished.
2. Collect stories and memories: Reach out to family and friends for anecdotes and memories. This can provide a broader perspective and enrich your eulogy with diverse experiences.
3. Choose a theme: Decide on a central theme or message. It could be their kindness, sense of humour, dedication to family, or any quality really, that stood out.

 

Structure the eulogy

Structuring a eulogy helps you break down what seems like an insurmountable task into smaller, more manageable sections. These four points will help you focus.

1. Introduction: Start by introducing yourself and your relationship to the deceased. Briefly acknowledge the occasion and express gratitude for those who have gathered.
2. Life story: Outline the key points of their life – birth, education, career, family, and major achievements. Highlight significant events and milestones.
3. Personal reflections: Share personal stories and memories that illustrate their character and impact on others. Include anecdotes that capture their essence.
4. Closing: Conclude with a summary of their legacy and the enduring impact they have had on their loved ones. Offer a final farewell and some words of comfort to the attendees.

 

Writing tips

Don’t consider yourself a writer and worried about how to find the right words? These four tips will help.

1. Be genuine: Speak from the heart. Authenticity resonates more than perfect prose.
2. Keep It concise: Aim for a eulogy that is about 5-10 minutes long. This is typically 500-1000 words.
3. Balance emotions: It’s okay to mix humour with solemnity. Sharing light-hearted stories can provide relief amidst the grief.
4. Practice: Rehearse your eulogy several times. It helps to feel more comfortable and ensures smooth delivery.

Delivering the Eulogy

In Jill’s case, her eulogy was written by the pastors of her church. I offered to get up in front of the congregation to share my own thoughts of Jill, and when I turned to see how many people had gathered at Jill’s graveside, I was stunned to see hundreds and hundreds of people staring back at me. It was nerve wracking, but I cared more about Jill, and I ploughed ahead, ugly crying in between words. It didn’t matter.

These few tips can help you if you are going to deliver a eulogy:

Stay Calm

It’s natural to feel nervous or emotional. Take deep breaths and speak slowly.

Pause

Allow yourself moments to pause, especially if you become emotional. It’s perfectly fine to take your time. Try to remember to speak slowly. I was at a funeral once when the bereaved raced through her eulogy and while I understand completely why she did this – nerves, emotion, etc., it did detract from the beautiful words she was speaking.

Connect with the Audience

Make eye contact and speak directly to those gathered. This personal connection can be comforting for both you and the audience.

Remember, if you burst into tears, take a breath. No one is going to judge you for that.

It’s personal and meaningful

Writing a eulogy is a deeply personal and meaningful task. By focusing on the essence of your loved one’s life and the joy they brought to others, you can create a lasting tribute that honours their memory and provides comfort to those who mourn.

Love You. Love Life.