A Sudden Goodbye to Your Loved One – Part I – The Call

I’m not going to pull any punches – this blog is about a very real situation my partner and I found ourselves in when his sister Jill recently passed away. It was very sudden and without warning. Not only were we heartbroken, our family was faced with a ton of things to think about – and fast.

This blog is as much about how we handled everything, as it is a guide to help you navigate your way through something you will have to deal with, sooner or later. It also serves as a guide to help you help your family after you pass away. It’s grim thinking about all this, but trust me, it’s a lot grimmer for everyone when you don’t have all the pieces to a very complex puzzle.

A late-night call

It was your average Saturday night. I’d gone to bed around 10 – Colin stayed up to keep watching a few programs. I was well asleep when suddenly the light turned. Colin asked me to “wake up – please wake up sweetie – Jill’s dead.” It took a while for those words to sink in. Colin, stricken, packed a bag to head up to Toowoomba where his Mum lives. I sat in shock. Jill was young! Younger than me!! What had happened? I sat on the phone to Colin – also in shock – as he drove hours away to reach Mum and get to the hospital where Jill was.

The next day

The next day was a blur. Colin kept me up to date. It looked like Jill had COVID and whooping cough – and had suffered a heart attack. She might need an autopsy to find out more… he had to organise her funeral – access funds to organise her funeral…and what about the unit she lived in? Her lease? It was a lot and grieving just didn’t seem an option.

We were lucky

Jill was an extremely organised person. Single, and childless, the task fell to her only sibling – her brother Colin, my partner, to deal with everything, as their Mum is just too elderly. More to the point, Mum had just lost her daughter – contacting Telstra to cancel her phone account wasn’t something we didn’t want her to even contemplate having to do.  Compounding the issue, Mum became really unwell and almost didn’t make it to her own daughter’s funeral.

We were in a state of shock

We were in a state of shock when Jill passed away. It wasn’t expected, and we were suddenly faced with a huge amount of work. Where do you start?  A really good resource for Colin was one of the local funeral homes. It had a wealth of information about who to contact, how to organise the funeral, grief and how to deal with it – and on it goes. Funeral home staff are used to dealing with this on a daily basis and their kindness and sensitivity was a real comfort to us.

I have included a list of who to contact in the days and weeks following the death of a loved one in Part II of this blog. The following information here simply covers what we had to think about and deal with in the first few days after Jill’s passing.

 

Digital life after death

In today’s digital age, your online presence can be as significant as your physical possessions. Therefore, it stands to reason that it’s important to address your loved one’s digital footprint with sensitivity and care.

Social Media Platforms

Notify social media platforms of your loved one’s passing to memorialise or deactivate the accounts. Platforms like Facebook offer memorialisation options that allow friends and family to share memories while protecting the account from any changes.

Email and Online Services

Accessing email accounts can be crucial for managing other online services and subscriptions. Contact the service providers with a copy of the death certificate and proof of your relationship to the deceased. Think about that for a minute – how do you prove that if it’s not your spouse who’s passed away and a marriage certificate is irrelevant? (Answer: go to Births, Deaths and Marriages – or your lawyer.)

Digital Assets

These include photos, videos, and any digital work your loved one may have left behind. Ensure these are backed up and appropriately managed, either by a trusted family member or a digital executor if one was appointed.

 

Jill’s Little Black Book

As Jill was super organised (thank you from the bottom of our hearts, Jill), she had a little black book where she kept a list of her account contacts that included banks, utilities, superannuation companies and so on. The list was long – and incredibly helpful for Colin who then knew who to contact to advise of her passing. I’m certainly not that organised. Are you?
It is therefore worth considering having your own list or little black book of contacts that you can leave with your lawyer and / or Power of Attorney, to help guide your family at what will be a very vulnerable and emotional time for them. Also think about who you want to deal with your digital assets and possessions, so your wishes are listed in your will. This ensures they are protected, kept safe, and shared appropriately just as you want.

Can you even access your loved one’s digital life?

So, you know you need to cancel your loved one’s phone bill, electricity, gas, mortgage, rent, car loan, streaming subscription and so on. It’s the worst time imaginable to have to think about these things, but it’s crucial you do, as money will keep leaving their account, or worse, not leave the account if there’s insufficient funds, with default charges to the account possible. But how do you go about cancelling everything?

If you’ve ever tried to make a call to a utility company or bank on behalf of a family member or friend, you’ll know it’s a futile exercise. It’s pretty much given that with the advent of the Privacy Act in Australia, you’ll need an official death certificate before you can get any accounts cancelled.  Sometimes an interim death certificate will suffice. It is important to note that even an interim death certificate can take at least a week to be issued – a full death certificate even longer, depending on the cause of or circumstances around the death. You may be lucky and get a hold placed on an account, but because of the Privacy Act, you may not get any further than just telling the utility company, bank or real estate for example, what happened.

 

An important fact regarding the estate

It’s important to note that even if your loved one passes away with substantial life insurance, superannuation and other assets, it takes months to receive it. Your family will therefore need to find their own money, and quickly, to pay for your loved one’s ongoing bills until they can be cancelled and of course, their funeral. It’s a lot to process while you’re grieving.

A family friend at Jill’s funeral put it so succinctly; she said that planning a funeral was like planning a wedding in a week, and all while you’re grieving. So true. In our case we also had a home to pack up and clean so we could finalise her lease. But that was week two.

Organising the funeral

Planning a funeral is one of the most immediate and pressing tasks. It is a time to honour and celebrate the life of your loved one, while providing a space for family and friends to grieve together.

Funeral Home

Choose a funeral home that aligns with your budget and the wishes of your loved one, if known. Funeral directors can assist you with many aspects of the planning process, including the service, burial, or cremation.

Once Colin phoned the local funeral home, they asked him to choose clothes for Jill to be buried in. Jill would have an open casket for close family to say goodbye to, and it was important she was dressed in her favourite clothes. It had to be a complete outfit; underwear, shoes, accessories – everything she would normally wear on a day out. Colin chose to have Jill buried with her glasses and watch and even her favourite perfume. On the day of the funeral, Jill looked beautiful, and at peace.

Because Colin had to be the one to identify Jill’s body in hospital, she was still hooked up to a life support machine. Having an open casket viewing was important so the last memory of his sister wasn’t in a sterile hospital emergency room, accompanied by police wearing COVID masks.

 

Service Details

Decide on the type of service, location, and any specific rituals or traditions to be observed. Consider elements such as readings, music, and who will speak at the service.

Obituary

Writing an obituary is a meaningful way to pay tribute to your loved one’s life. Include significant achievements, personal traits, and surviving family members. Publish it in local newspapers and online to inform the broader community.

Eulogy

This is an emotional and involved process and I write about it in more detail here.

This is just the beginning

Oh boy, this blog is hard to write. We’re still grieving, and it’s the very beginning of a long journey. Colin is literally making phone calls dealing with Jill’s estate as I sit here and write this 3 weeks later. But I felt it was so important to share this all with you because death is a certainty. What’s not certain is how organised your loved one is. It’s a hard conversation to have with your loved ones while everyone is well and happy, but it’s definitely one worth having.

I was chatting to a friend about everything that had happened. She said that her dad won’t even discuss his will, and with a blended family and at least 5 half-siblings and no guidance, she’s in for a headache. I don’t envy her.

It’s worth noting that Women in Bloom Director, Alexis, wrote a great article on estate planning. I suggest you read it, so you get an overview of what you need to have organised – and what happens if you don’t. Heads up – it can get real ugly, real fast, so if you don’t have anything in writing, get started.

Loss is life-altering

Losing a loved one suddenly is a profound and life-altering experience, and we are now getting used to a new normal. Death is brutal. Of course we don’t want to talk about it, but we should. So much needs organising, and it happens at a time when we’re feeling our worst.

In Part II of this blog, I discuss what happened in the following days and weeks after Jill’s passing. This includes how we dealt with packing up her whole home and all the places we needed to contact to advise of her passing.

While the immediate aftermath can feel like a blur of responsibilities and emotions, taking practical steps can help provide some structure during this chaotic time. Remember to lean on friends, family, and professional services for support. Above all, allow yourself the space and time to grieve and honour the memory of your loved one in your own way.

Love You. Love Life.