A Sudden Goodbye to Your Loved One – Part III Personal Belongings and Moving Forward

This is Part III of ‘A Sudden Goodbye to Your Loved One’. You may have read Part I and Part II, where I discuss the sudden passing of my partner Colin’s sister, Jill. These blogs offer a wealth of information on who to contact and what to do in the immediate aftermath of your loved one’s passing. Jill was only 51 and her death caught us by complete surprise, and we’ve been learning about the whole process as we go.

The hardest part

As onerous as all the paperwork was, I think dealing with Jill’s possessions was hands down the hardest thing we had to do. Not only were we going through Jill’s personal belongings, we had to decide what to do with it all, as well as her furniture – and fast. Because she lived alone and was renting, we were on a pretty tight schedule to get things out and cleaned. We’d given ourselves a fortnight to do it.  To say it was emotional is an understatement.

 

Shelves upon shelves, boxes and boxes…

Jill was passionate about helping people and formalised this several years ago, when she got her nursing degree. As well as helping people, Jill also had a passion for art, craft, sewing and embroidery. She literally had shelves upon shelves, and boxes and boxes of every type of art, craft and sewing supply you can think of.  It was an overwhelming decision. Do we sell it? Her card making equipment was worth thousands alone. Do we donate it all? That would have been easier. We were stumped. In the end, her best friend came to the rescue, and she spent hours going through it all. She gave us what she knew would mean a lot to the family, then took it all away to sell, with the understanding and agreement that she would give the sale proceeds to Mum to deposit into Jill’s estate.

You can’t trust everyone

This is sad to say, and you may have experienced this yourself, but you can’t trust everyone like we can with Jill’s best friend. When a loved one dies, sometimes the vultures start circling. Family members you haven’t heard from for years, some you’ve never even heard of, suddenly show up, offering their ‘support’ to help to clear through your loved one’s personal belongings. I’ve heard it time and time again, and it makes my blood boil. I’m pleased to say that wasn’t the case with Jill’s passing, but we did have one of the unit’s regular tradesman poke his head in and ask if we needed help going through her antiques. Errr…no. Wow.  Perhaps I was just being over-sensitive and was overtired and I read him the wrong way. My gut instinct however, told me differently.

 

You are at your most vulnerable when all of this is going on. You are therefore well within your rights to decline any assistance from anyone you hardly know (or trust) whether they’re family or not. By the same token, you can’t justify emptying your loved one’s house of everything, just because you’re the eldest/helped your loved one “the most”, etc. Your family lawyer will give you legal advice about this, what your rights are and what your loved one’s wishes were in the event of their death – if they had these recorded in their will.

Local charities can help

For furniture you can’t sell or donate to family, choosing a local charity can be a good alternative. For us, Lifeline was immensely helpful. I called them the day I arrived to help and realised the scale of what we had to do. Two days later at the agreed time, three removalists with their huge Lifeline truck turned up and the boys set about moving everything we wanted to donate, efficiently and sensitively. It removed a huge burden of what to do with items family and friends didn’t need, and it made the task of emptying Jill’s home that much easier.

 

Call on family and friends

Sorting through your loved one’s personal belongings is tough, but it is an essential step in moving forward. Call on your family and friends who can support you to do this. Cousins turned up to help clear out Jill’s kitchen and organise donations of everything in it. Dear friends showed up unexpectedly with their little van and their time. They felt like a miracle, and they gave us back at least two days’ worth of work. They lent us their van so we could transport many of Jill’s belongings back to our home where we could sort through things further. Also, thanks to them, we were able to adopt her beautiful house plants and keep priceless family photo albums for future generations.

What to look for

The things you need to look for when sorting through personal possessions include:

Personal items

Begin with personal items that hold sentimental value. It may help to involve close family members in this process to decide which items to keep and which to donate or discard.

Legal documentation

Locate important documents such as the will, birth certificate, and any property deeds. These will be necessary for legal and financial proceedings.

Valuables and property

Assess and secure any valuable items and property. You may need to appraise items of significant value and decide whether to sell, keep, or distribute them according to the will.

Life insurance

Life insurance can provide critical financial support to your loved one’s dependents. Payouts can be substantial, and you need to be prepared with the correct documentation, i.e. proof of ID, death or interim death certificate.

 

Policy identification

Locate the life insurance policy and contact the insurance company. They will require a death certificate and other ID documents to process the claim. Be prepared for this one.

Claim process

Follow the insurer’s claim process meticulously. Ensure all forms are completed accurately and all requested documents are provided to avoid delays. The last thing you want is a hold up that lasts weeks just because you spelled your loved one’s middle name incorrectly.

Payout distribution

Once the claim is processed, the payout will be distributed to the nominated beneficiaries. This can provide essential funds for covering funeral costs (reimbursement to whomever paid for the funeral), paying off debts, and / or securing the financial future of dependents.

Family squabbles

This is an emotional time, and we’re so grateful that there were no family squabbles over Jill’s possessions. Being single, with no children and a loving, close-knit family, Jill’s estate seems to be relatively straight forward to organise. This isn’t always the case, however. Death, estates and inheritances can be a messy, messy deal.

 

Seek professional help

I think it’s safe to say that with the sudden passing of a relatively young loved one, it’s shocking, it’s heart wrenching and almost unbearable. But you can’t bury your head in the sand. You need to act. While it may feel overwhelming, when you tackle these tasks methodically, it can help bring order to a difficult time. Also, don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, and professionals as you navigate through this process.

 I hope this information helps you. We’re still dealing with the fallout of Jill’s sudden passing, and Colin faces weeks of emotional phone calls, emails, scanned documents while he supports his mum. But I can say this with certainty – we’re so grateful for Jill’s diligence and her little black book, the support, love and kindness that family and friends showed, and advice and guidance given to us from professionals. I’m not ashamed to say that we are leaning on all of them, heavily as we shed tears and just keep moving forward.

Please have that conversation

I hope you don’t ever have to deal with the sudden death of a loved one. Please have a conversation about what they want when they pass away – or at least try to. Talk to your nearest and dearest about your own wishes and take the time to set up steps with your lawyer so that you can help your loved ones after you depart. I’m booked in to see my lawyer next week.

Love You. Love Life (and plan for death).